Too Hard To Be Strong

Hi. . .

It’s been 15 days since I posted about my board exam experience.

Actually I dont know where to start. I dont know how to tell all this feelings to my friends especially to my family.

That’s why I’ll just leave it here.

If you would remember, what I wrote in “BOARD EXAM EXPERIENCE” that I will be more stronger than before. . .

But until now I cant find my purpose yet.

Hanggang ngayon, di ko alam kung paano ba? Kung saan ba ako magsisimula? Kung bakit kelangan kong magsimula ulit.

I can’t tell my parents because I’m afraid I might disappoint them.

Im afraid. . .

I have this fear.

Fear of following my hearts desire. 🙁

I cant even find myself smiling.

I just find myself smiling bitterly.

I cried for the past 15 days.

I cry everyday.

I need a shoulder to cry on.

I need a hug guys 🙁

I need someone to tell me “Im here to listen to you”.

I really need someone to hug me right now.

I need to save myself.

Advertisements

Board Exam Experience

Sometimes all you can do is smile. Move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend that you’re okay.

Hi guys! Actually it took me a month to post this.

Why???

Because I can’t.

But I tried so many times.

Why???

Because it’s hard.

But today I realize I need to face my fears.

Today, I realize I need to move forward.

And today, I realize I should get up, wipe my tears and continue on pursuing my dreams.

And that dream is to be a licensed civil engineer.

If you are one of my followers here in my blogg, you know that several months ago I always post and share here my story when I was reviewing for my board exam last November 2018.

Yes. You read it right. I took the board exam last November 2018. But sadly, I didn’t make it to pass the exam. 😦

That was my worst heartbreak in year 2018. It made me feel I’m stupid for not passing. I cried a lot. I cried everyday and every night. I always cry. I cried until I can sleep because I’m tired of crying.

I’m a jolly person. I always smile. I always make people laugh. I always tell them to smile even you are facing lot of problems.

But things change. . . . .and people change.

The sad truth,

I changed.

Why???

Because I got hurt. Because I’m in pain. And because I didn’t make it to the list of passers and that incident left the most hurtful mark in my heart. 😦

Two months had passed and I’m still affected. Maybe other people would tell that I’m OA (overacting) but one thing I want you to know, it’s not easy. Moving on is not easy. It takes a lot of courage and a heart that is ready for acceptance; and it’s not that easy.

Why it’s not easy? Why I’m in pain?

Because I know I studied hard but I dont know why I dudn’t make it.

Because some people in my life keep on questioning why I didn’t pass the board exam and thay questions keep on reminding me the pain I felt when the result was posted.

Haters gonna hate. Other people might drag me down. And some people might be happy because I didn’t passed.

You know who you are guys. I know you keep on stalking my account and you are always updated with my post, so here is something for you:

“Yes. I didn’t passed the Board Exam. Yes, I look mesirable. And yes, I’m in so much pain right now. And I know how happy you are because you think I’m depressed. But all I want you to know that you dont know how many times I cried when Im reviewing because I always think that I want to pass this,for my family, for myself especially for God. You dont know the feeling of reviewing until morning and attending class even you dont have enough sleep. And you don’t know the feeling of being alone and being far from your family but I need to be strong for them. Now tell me, how happy you are right now”.

Days passed, and I always find myself crying in the Church, crying to God. But one thing, I never questioned him. Instead, I ask for His guidance. I asked Him to give me more courage and to help me move on.

They’re right. After you cry, smile and continue your life. And now,. . . .

I realized something. I need to keep going. I have to keep going.

Not because I failed once.

But because I want to be an engineer. No matter what happen, I will be an engineer.

Yes, I got tired, I cried and almost lost myself. But today, I’m going to fight again. Not just for my family and for myself, but for God who always reminding me how strong I am.

To other people who once fail in their life, don’t lose hope. Everything happens for a reason. Be strong. And don’t give up. Remove “GIVE UP” in your choices. Continue living. Continue smiling and continue pursuing your dream.

Keep fighting! 🙂

Hope you read the entire article. I’m always and forver gtateful to wordpress because I can share here my experiences. Hope you guys learned a lesson from my blogg today. Thank you so much!

Photo: Im forever be inlove with sunset. It’s too beautiful and it always remind me that no matter how bad your day is, it can always end up beautiful. (Im also the photographer of all the pictures I posted here)

Saddest Goodbye

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But letting go is not the end of the world rather it’s the beginning of new life”.

Remember when we were together sitting and witnessing the beauty of sunset?

Remember when I told you all my worries while watching the sunset?

I remember that day.

The scenery, the actual picture of the place and your angelic face. . .

They are still fresh in my memories.

Every single detail, I still remember.

Everything you said.

And every tear I shed.

I asked for calmness.

Calmness because it feels like a chaos.

Calmness for my heart full of confusion.

Calmness for a messy situation.

I asked for chances.

Chance to be your girl.

Chance to be the one who will make you smile.

Chance to love you unconditional.

Why do we need to let go?

Even though were happy

Even though I love you

And even though you love me too.

I miss you.

I miss listening to your voice.

I miss you holding my hand.

I miss how you play with my hair.

I miss how you tell me you love me.

I miss being with you everyday,honey.

I’m hurt.

I feel so much pain

It always break my heart

When I realize

I fall inlove with the man I cant have.

I remember that day.

When I told you

“Please dont make me say goodbye”.

Because honestly I dont want to, but I know we have to.

I always wanted you to know

That I will never find another man like you

I only wish for your happiness

And I would love to see you happy and contented in life.

Always remember

I will always be here for you

I will remain your “one call away girl”

And I will forever cherish you.

It’s hard.

Really hard.

But you made me a strong person.

And hope you will also be strong.

And every single day that past through

I realize something new

That every day is a new page.

A chance at something great.❤

Photo is mine. 📸

Location:Sabang Beach Resort, Bulan Sorsogon, Sorsogon City, Philippines (Bicol Region)

Payong

Lahat siguro tayo ay naghahangad ng perfect relationship. Tulad ko, na isang babaeng naghahangad ng isang perpektong relasyon. Subalit napatunayan ko na walang perpektong tao kaya walang perpektong relasyon. Tamang tao lang siguro ang meron kaya nagiging tama din ang relasyon. Hindi ko sinasabing may maling relasyon. Ang punto ko, ay ang ipahiwatig at ibahagi ang mga bagay na natutunan ko.

Oo, di ako expert sa love. Dahil 22 years old palang ako at baka sabihin niyong feeling ko andami ko ng alam kung makapag advice. Hindi ganun. Kundi base sa experience ay may mga natutunan ako. Sabi nga nila “Experience is the best teacher”.

Ganito yun. . .

Lahat ng relasyon nag uumpisa sa friendship. Yung iba siguro diretso ligawan. Pero believe me or not, lahat ng relasyon dumaan sa proseso ng “getting to know each other”. At syempre pagkatapos ng pagkakaibigan, magkakagustuhan hanggang magligawan at sa huli ay naging magka-ibigan (lovers). Pero the sad reality, hindi lahat nag eend ng masaya at magkasama.

Sa umpisa masaya. Syempre kasi nililigawan ka pa kaya yung effort niya sagad hanggang dulo. Kung makatext,kala mo wala ng bukas para mag usap ulit. At may mga araw din na kahit antok na antok na kau pareho, ayaw niyong ibaba amg telepono dahil pareho niyong sinasabi na “sige na. Ikaw na mag end call”. Hanggang sa nakatulog kayo pareho na di niyo na end ang call. Nakatanggap ka rin siguro ng mensahe galing sa kanya na ang sabi ay “IKAW LANG SAPAT NA.”, “PAPAKASAL TAYO”. At higit sa lahat, naranasan mo din siguro yung sabay kayong nagpaplano para sa future niyo.

Ang sarap balikan ng mga panahong maayos pa kayo. Yung mga araw na masaya lang kayo. Ngunit bakit tila nag iba. Nagbago. At tila ba’y unti unti ng naglalaho ang lahat ng effort at saya?

Bakit nga ba?

Tulad ng nilagay ko sa picture “hindi porket may payong ka di ka na mababasa. Tulad ng pag ibig, di porket mahal ka niya di ka na niya sasaktan”. Walang taong perpekto. Walang taong never pa nagkamali kung kaya’t nakakagawa ng mga bagay na ikakasakit ng iba lao na ng mahal nila.

Totoo. Totoong hindi dahil mahal ka niya hindi ka na niya sasaktan. Dahil may temptation na tinatawag. At naging choice nila ang lokohin at saktan ka.

Hindi pala lahat kaya maging loyal at faithful.

May mga taong hindi makuntento.

May mga taong maeffort lang sa una. Pero kapag tumagal na, umiiba na ang timpla.

At higit sa lahat. . .

May mga taong dumaan lang sa buhay mo para pasayahin ka ng panandalian .

At yung taong yun, iiwan ka din naman pala sa lugar kung saan kayo unang nagtagpo at naging masaya.

Malungkot ang ganyang sitwasyon. Ngunit madaming aral na matututunan, isa na dun ang “Kapag nagmahal ka dapat handa ka. Dahil hindi porket mahak mo siya at mahal ka niya, di na kayo magkakasakitan”.

Photo is mine.

Model: He is my brother 😂 I asked him to hold the umbrella and pose hahaha

Location: That’s in Bulan, Sorsogon in Bicol Region.

Stronger Than Before

Minsan kahit anong tapang mo, may mga bagay at sitwasyon sa buhay na magpapahina sayo pero dapat handa ka pa rin harapin lahat ng ito lalo na kung sabay sabay dumating ang mga pagsubok sa buhay.

Sa dami ng pinagdaanan ko sa buhay, masasabi kong pinagtibay at mas pinatapang ako neto. Hindi lang sa larangan ng pag ibig kundi pati na sa iba’t ibang klase ng problema tulad ng sa kaibigan, sa pamilya,problema sa pinansyal at higit sa lahat problema sa sarili.

Sa 22 years ko sa mundo, etong 2018 ata ang pinakamahirap, pinakamadaming problema, at higit sa lahat pinaka nachallenge ako na nagpatatag pa lalo saakin. Walang buwan. . .ay mali. . . Walang linggong daraan na hindi ako umiyak. (Hindi lahat ng matapang at positive na tao, hindi na umiiyak. Minsan mas masarap kapag iniiyak mo ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo😉). Andaming nagtatanong kung bakit patuloy akong lumalaban at kung paano ko kinakaya, simple lang ang sagot ko,:

“Dahil alam kong nireready lang ako ni Lord para sa 2019. At least kahit anong pagsubok sa 2019, keri ko na kasi nga andami kong pinagdaanan ngayong taon, di ba?”.

Totoo yan. Minsan naisipan ko ng sumuko. Naisip ko na pwede naman akong magpatalo at sumuko nalang, bakit pa nga ba ako lumalaban?

Pero isang araw, habang nakatingin sa mga ulap. Habang nakikipag usap sa Panginoon, dun ko napagtanto lahat. I realize everything. I realize why I encounter such problems. Habang nakapikit. . .habang pinapakiramdaman si Lord. . .habang ang mga luha’y nag uunahan sa pagtulo doon nabuksan ang isipan ko na hindi ako pwedeng sumuko. Dahil hindi ako kailanman susuko. Dahil alam kong hindi ako papabayaan ni Lord. Alam ko dahil nararamdaman ko. Alam kong kakayanin ko dahil hindi Niya ako iniwan (hindi siya katulad ng ibang lalake na iiwan ka basta basta ng walang dahilan. Charoooot! Naghugot lang saglit. Hahaha). At higit sa lahat, kinaya ko dahil kasama ko si Lord . . .dahil never niyang hinayaan na mag isa akong lumaban.

Para sa lahat ng taong humaharap ngayon sa mga problema, gusto kong ishare sainyo itong isang mahalagang linya na hanggang ngayon ay di ko makakalimutan dahil ito ang nagsilbing paalala saakin na kailangan kong tumayo mula sa pagkakadapa. . .lumaban muli mula sa pagkakatalo. . .at maging matapang para magtagumpay sa susunod na hamon. Sana makatulong ito sainyo:

“Maaari tayong sumuko at tanggapin nalang ang pagkatalo. O mas pipiliin nating bumangon at ipagpatuloy ang laban.”

I wish all of you to be happy always.

I’m Jane Kirstin L. Jazmin, from Philippines (Bicol). Im writing not to impress but to express my emotions and to share my experiences in life.

Ocean Of Love

“God’s love is like an ocean. You can see its beginning but not its end”.

A peaceful place to remember,

Remember everything.

A beautiful place to reminisce,

Reminisce memories.

An ideal spot to write,

Write everything whats inside the heart.

A perfect place to talk,

To talk with God about your life.

Advice: Always be grateful to our Lord, He will never leave us and He will forever love us unconditionally.